The Banality of Evil

The weight of my guilt, my self-disgust, has dragged me down for going on seven years now. Here I am, Bob Marley, warning Scrooge of the chains that await him if he doesn’t change. And this is why: For three years, I participated in a system that excluded others based on their race. I paid dues, thousands of dollars in fact, to maintain a blatantly racist institution. I transferred to the University of Alabama my sophomore year. I didn’t know too much about Greeks, sororities, or fraternities, when I made my plans to move from Spanish Fort, AL to Tuscaloosa. But as I began to announce my plans to transfer to UA, I kept hearing the same refrain. “Are you going to join a sorority?” “You, know, you’re going to have a hard time making friends there if you don’t join a sorority. Greek life is, like, required at Alabama.” No friends? Hadn’t I survived high school so that I could finally leave that sinking feeling of rejection behind? Did I really want to spend three (more) years excluded from the “in crowd”? No! my 19-year-old self answered resoundingly. So I did what I figured anyone in my position would do. I participated in sorority rush the fall of my sophomore year. The experience was harrowing (some people say they love Rush; there is something either seriously wrong with them or with me, perhaps both). It was so harrowing, in fact, that at first I couldn’t quite place what was off about the whole thing. Finally I asked, “Where are the Black girls?” I for the life of me don’t remember who answered that question (I tend to block out traumatic events, sorority rush falls easily into that category), but I do remember what the answer was: The Black girls have their own sororities. They do their “own” Rush. In the spring, I think she said. Well THAT was weird, I thought. There wasn’t one Black girl who was interested in joining a mostly (ok ALL) White sorority, or vice versa? I had gone to a majority White school, where the minority Black population got along just fine with everyone else, but there, too, people of other races, for the most part didn’t mix socially. It was something that (seemed to be) accepted by all parties. So, you have to understand (you who are not from the deep South) that I had already developed a schema that made such an answer seem plausible, and therefore easy to accept. That, and I wasn’t in the business of social justice then. I was just concerned with surviving a college social atmosphere that proved to be (impossibly!) even more cliquiesh, judgmental, and oppressive than my prototypical high school experience had been. Now, instead of “what brand are you wearing”? It was, “What sorority t-shirt are you wearing?” and “What fraternity is your boyfriend in?” Of course NONE OF IT MATTERED, but try telling that to a 19-year-old who had spent her whole life trying to fit in. None of these are excuses. Nothing excuses this kind of thing. These are merely the pathetic circumstances that clouded my easily influenced judgment and general sense of morality. So, ok, I survive Rush and get a bid. Fast forward two years later, and Carla Ferguson, a Black freshman, participates in Rush with the “traditionally White” sororities. It was a big story, at least, on our campus. I don’t think anyone really cared at the national level because our football team sucked at the time. This is when I really learned about what was going on. Because sororities were indirectly and, when necessary, directly told not to even THINK about pledging her. I didn’t meet her. I didn’t see her come through her house. I didn’t vote on her. I only know that she didn’t join our sorority. She didn’t join any sorority at first. The rumor was that the sorority who accepted her did so in exchange for swaps with “good” fraternities or some other such arrangement, so that the issue would quietly “go away.” I don’t know if that is true; either way, none of us were in a position to judge, considering that they were the only sorority with the balls to make any kind of step forward in history. All I know is that no one on campus at the time considered it a “true” integration of the Greek system, because, well, 10 years later, the same system is still considered segregated. And what about me? I could claim naivete before, but at this point everyone knew what was going on. My sorority was no more or less guilty than the others. I don’t remember any blatantly racist statements being made at the time. It was, from what I remember, a quiet affair, a decision made behind closed doors. I excused myself from any guilt by announcing to anyone who cared that I would not vote against her. Plenty of people felt the same way. But one person couldn’t make a difference within a sorority, much less within the Greek system, I thought. So, here was the moment of reckoning, when even the naïve girl from a socially segregated school could no longer pretend that she was not involved in a blatantly racist system. Yet, I didn’t see myself as guilty. I don’t remember considering, seriously or otherwise, quitting the sorority on moral grounds. I’m not a quitter; I never have been. This would have been a great time to break that rule. Because, for the rest of my life, my participation in this system will be a scourge on me, on my character, on my history. It is something that I have tried to cover up with the acquaintances and friends I’ve made since then. Following graduation, I joined Teach For America in Greater New Orleans and met, for the first time in my life, people my age from all over the country, mostly the East and West coasts. My upbringing was, shall we say, unique to my corps. I remember revealing the information previously described (sans guilt) and receiving a reaction that I’m sure to this day paints those individuals’ view of me. But I just didn’t understand their disdain. I’m the good guy in all this, I thought. Did you not hear the part when I said that I didn’t AGREE with it? That I said I wouldn’t vote against her? So in my mind, I not only did not deserve contempt, I also deserved accolades for my brave behavior! What a pioneer for social equality I was! I won’t walk you through all the small realizations that took place as I taught in a low-income, mostly Black community, as I made friends for the first time with people of color, finally free of a place that in so many ways was (and still is) frozen in time. You can imagine how these experiences will change a person. But one important lesson I learned occurred on a drive home with a fellow TFA teacher who was complaining about the state of education in general in the community in which we taught. It went something like this (I will generously paraphrase here): “It’s the banality of evil,” he said, “it’s not an active act of ill will to fail to provide kids with a good education. It’s simply the act of doing nothing, of assuming people will just take care of it themselves, that somehow kids will magically learn while no teaching actually takes place.” And this is what my crime was, so many years ago. I didn’t actively campaign to keep the Greek system segregated, to sit at a different lunch table in high school, I didn’t laugh at racist jokes and certainly didn’t make them. I just didn’t do anything. What a boring yet efficient path to Hell I paved for myself. It is the banal evils that destroy our world. At least blatant acts of evil rally the opposition. But “nice” people like I was just quietly pay their dues, cluck their tongues at the blatant acts of evil, saying “what a shame” and feeling good that we aren’t Klan members, or serial killers or white-collar criminals, all the while allowing (indeed, in my case funding!) a racist system that continues to thrive 50 years after the Civil Rights Act supposedly made such things worthy of federal interference. I’m not going to go into what I’ve done since, what my career path is, or how my outlook has changed, because in this context it doesn’t matter. I can’t ask for anyone’s approval or forgiveness, because honestly, what I do now does not, and never will, erase the past. The one thing I do ask is for anyone who is reading this now and recognizes themselves in the words I’ve written, to reconsider your current actions (or, more importantly, your inactions). You don’t want to be stuck on the wrong side of history 10 years from now. That may seem like a lifetime away, but it is sooner than you think. This does not just apply to exclusion based on race. Let’s talk about sexual orientation, socio-economic status, religion and ethnicity (several sororities also automatically “drop” you from Rush if you are Jewish, at least when I was there); all of these are points of consideration in the Greek Rush process. I’m not telling you what your actions should be; I’m only asking you to take action, in whatever situation you find yourself in. There’s no redemption awaiting you “later” down the road, so don’t compromise now between the right thing and the popular thing. To do so is to allow Banal Evil to continue, until one day its bored yawn stretches wide enough to show its fearsome teeth, and you realize, too late, what you have (not) done.

Senseless Acts of Kindness

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my teachers of students with significant disabilities and the challenges and questions they’ve struggled with over the past years.  They work to get their students to a bar that, for the most part, no one has defined.  They are, in so many cases, cordoned off to a different part of the school, resembling the age when the “mentally ill” were committed to an asylum, rather than an age where inclusion is supposed to be the norm in public schools.  

In some ways, I realize that the majority of people somewhat understand the plight of these kids.  Everyone, no matter what socioeconomic bracket you hail from, has interacted with a person with a significant disability, since these conditions are no respecter of race or class.  I would venture to say that more fundraisers and foundations exist to race money for Autism or Cerebral Palsy research than to eliminate the achievement gap that exists along socioeconomic and racial lines. Yet, in most public schools, there is consistently little knowledge about what these students should be working on, nor belief in what they are capable of. 

Those of us who are passionate about equitable education are, in general, motivated by a strong core belief that every child, every person, deserves a fair chance at success.  We also assume, I would guess, that embedded in “success” is finding happiness and satisfaction in this short life we’ve been given. 

I believe that those who work with students with significant disabilities very quickly find the heart of this belief and where it rings true to them.  They know they won’t have a student call them in 10 years to tell them THEY are the reason they became a writer, or receive a full ride to a four-year university.  In fact, many of their students, who are unable to communicate in a traditional way, will never be able to say “thank you” to the teacher who taught them the skills they needed to maintain human dignity – feeding themselves, independently using the restroom, or asking for help.  Also, in most cases, sadly enough, if these teachers DON’T do their jobs, no one will be standing there, demanding that their students perform to the best of their abilities.

But still they teach – they teach sign language, picture communication, push-button communication.  They teach utensil holding, following a schedule, calling home.  In many instances, they teach money skills, reading, and writing.  They teach following directions and reading safety signs.  They teach students to interact with books in a meaningful way, greet others, and shake hands.  In some cases, they teach students no one has tried to teach before.

These teachers don’t teach the next doctor, lawyer, or president.  Many of their students, no matter how much they improve their skills, will never “contribute to society” in an economic sense.  Instead, these teachers embody what I believe we are all called to do: help others because it’s the right thing to do.  Because it makes another individual’s life better. Because despite the fact that these students will not, in most cases, be able to tell their stories, their lives, their dignity, and their happiness still matters. 

No doubt those of us (myself included) who have taught more typically-functioning students do so for these same reasons.  But it is awesome to watch these acts of selflessness happen every day in their classrooms in such pure form.

Of course, any of these teachers will tell you that they've learned more from their students than they have from them.  And it's true.  If you're a teacher, if you haven't already, invite these students into your classroom.  And thank the teachers that work patiently and selflessly with them.

It's Tomorrow!

Gotta find my bike row after the swim!

All the bike racks

The swim path

This is where I bike in (as you can see)

Self explanatory

My lonely bike will await me overnight

Everything to remember in the morning.

2 Days Until....

Checked in and picked up all my info and goodies today  at the Hilton Riverside!

Commemorative Shirt, backpack, race number.....

 1940...the year John Lennon was born (Wikipedia'd that)

 Back of the shirt....

 My armband....gotta wear this from now till Sunday.

 And then....got my carbo load on at Rousses.

3 Days Until...

Open Water Win

In terms of my training, since I'm in "taper" mode to let my muscles heal for the race, this week has been mostly about lots of "To Do's": Last-minute items, figure out nutrition needs, practice eating while on the bike, race details, etc. etc.

However, I had one more kind of big swim on my training schedule this week, and yesterday (Wednesday) I joined a group of folks meeting at the lake to do this in open water (as I've done now on several occasions).

For the first time since I'd been going out there, the water was choppy.  When I arrived, several people were standing in their wetsuits, staring out at the waves and looking slightly dismayed.

Honestly, I was just wondering whether waves would DIScourage or ENcourage attacks from creepy sea creatures.  But I decided to take heed of everyone else's concern and asked a guy if he would like to swim next to me to make sure we both didn't drown. (OK, actually....it was still mostly because I felt safer from sharks with another person swimming next to me, which makes no logical sense).

So, we set off....and very soon I was smoking the guy.  I kept waiting for him to catch up, mostly out of courtesy, because all the sudden, with the chop, I no longer had time to think about shark/alligator/gar attacks...it was just ME and the SEA.....er, the lake.

I LOVED it.  I loved the feeling of the waves crashing against me, each one a slightly different shape and direction.  It felt as if the waves acted less as a deterrent, and instead propeled me forward....and kept me entertained.  All I could think was that, once upon a time, THIS is why people actually HAD to learn to swim, not to tone their bodies, or compete in a race, but to SURVIVE. 

In a previous blog, I mentioned an article I read about peak moments - those unexpected instances, or extended periods of time, that are, for whatever reason, remembered for the rest of our lives as one of the happiest moments. This was definitely one of mine.

I could have stayed out there for hours, but alas I had to leave, to get back to work and to my cell phone, and artificial lighting, and laptop.

I don't know if the weather will be calm or choppy this Sunday, but either way,  I think I'm ready for it! Bring on the chop.

5 Days Until....

Race Day Information

I wanted to pass along the race day info in case you’d like to cheer me on if you happen to be near UNO, City Park, or the French Quarter during any of the legs of my race this Sunday.

The race starts this Sunday at 7:00 a.m.  at the UNO Research and Technology Park. My Swim Wave (women under 29) will start at 8:06 a.m. If you’re feeling super ambitious / early birdish feel free to see me off, but don’t feel bad if you don’t feel like it…my parents will be there to cheer me on!

The bike portion will be all through City Park and Hwy 11 area … this might not be the best portion of the race to watch, because I’m probably going to be focused more on balance and following rules / regulations.

The best part to come cheer me on, then, would probably be during the run and / or at the after event (I don’t believe you’ll actually be able to SEE me cross the finish line but I’ll exit the chute right after). The Run will take place throughout City Park, then Esplanade, ending in the French Quarter in Jackson Square. IF I’m still in the race by then, I’ll be starting the run between 12:40-1:15 p.m. and ending between 3:00-4:00. p.m. I’ve included maps and details below. You can also find course maps on the event Web site at http://ironmanneworleans.com/. Also, you'll be able to track my progress online on the day of the race at http://ironmanlive.com/

In terms of how to scout me out, I’ll be #1940 (it should be displayed on my bike and helmet, and then my waist area during the run). Also, I’ll be wearing:

Pink Shirt

White Hat

If anyone has any ideas on how I can add some identifying “swag” to my workout gear without looking like a complete idiot, let me know and I’ll update everyone on what to look for.

I might also be the only competitor you see crawling…. so that would be an easy way to spot me.

Here’s the info below!

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• SWIM: My Swim Starts at 8:06 a.m. sharp

• My estimated time to finish swim: between 8:50 and 9:06

• Park at UNO parking lot (2045 LakeShore Drive) (Directions from Interstate:)

4. Take the exit onto I-10 E toward Slidell 2.4 mi

5. Take exit 237 to merge onto Elysian Fields Ave 3.7 mi

6. At the traffic circle, take the 4th exit onto Lakeshore Dr

Destination will be on the right 0.2 mi

Bike:

• Estimated Start Time: Between 8:50 a.m. and 9:06 a.m.

• Estimated Finish Time: Between 12:40 p.m. and 1:15 p.m.

After the swim, walk to the front of transition to see part of the bike leg. If you do not see me when I come out, you will see me on my way back from Lakeshore Boulevard on the bike.

You could drive out to New Orleans East and catch me on Chef Hwy, if you’re comfortable with the area. (However, good chance I wouldn’t see you on the bike…I’ll be too busy watching other riders and making sure I’m adhering to distance regulations).

The Run:

Estimated Start time: Between 12:40 p.m. and 1:15 p.m.

Estimated End Time: Between 3:00 and 4:00

A few options for the run: The corner of Harrison and Marconi (take Harrison off of Canal to avoid the road closures) and you can catch me twice on the run from that corner. This run is through City Park and you can pick any nice place in there….lots of trees and shade. You CAN’T hand me drinks or anything! 

The Finish:

Estimated Time: Between 3:00 and 4:00 PM

Go to the French Quarter and watch the finish. To get to the French Quarter, you can drive straight down Elysian Fields to the finish line from UNO all the way down to the French Qtr where it dead ends at N. Peters Street. Take a right and try to park somewhere down there or just park around Elysian Fields and watch me run down Esplanade Ave (1 block over) or walk to the finish line at Jackson Square (about 6-7 blocks). Parking will be hard downtown. End of Race Celebrations are in Marconi Park near the Aquarium-ish.

6 Days Until...

Race Day Nutrition

In honor of lunchtime, I'm posting my synthesis of all the research I've done on race day nutrition. I've gotten about a million different tips / opinions, but this plan comes from several of the most trusted sources..so I'm stickin to it.

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Reduce food intake as training volume tapers. Eat “normal” foods. Do not experiment with anything new.

Day before race:
Eat a big breakfast with moderate-to-low glycemic index foods. Eat a large lunch, moderate to low-glycemic foods. Have a moderately sized dinner, with moderate to low glycemic index foods.

Race Day Nutrition:
4 hours before the race: 800 calorie breakfast, moderate to low glycemic index foods
3 hours before the race: 200 calories, liquids or semi solid foods
2 hours before the race: 200 calories, liquids or semi solid foods
1 hour before race: sports drink, sports bar
10 mins before the race:
• Drink as much sports drink as I can
During the race:
• Drink water or sports drink approximately every 15 minutes, 16 ounces per hour. (4 ounces per 15 mins). Set a watch to beep every few minutes to remind
• During a half ironman, a triathlete should consume as much carbohydrate as can be digested and absorbed. About 300 calories of carbohydrate per hour for a 150-pound athlete. (about 75 per 15 mins). Every hour on bike: stop for plain water (or as thirst dictates) Every other 15-minute hydrate during run: water

After the race: Immediately after the race, providing the body with nutrients required to refuel and to rebuild damaged tissue is critical to minimize recovery time. Make sure to consume at least 400 calories of carbohydrate and 100 calories of protein right after the race. (Glucose supplement in protein shake).